Infertility: From an Outsider

This blog post was not planned whatsoever, and honestly something I never thought I would write about… but, sometimes God comes in and leads you in a direction you didn’t intend (which is always for the best).

Infertility/miscarriage is a hard, tough, terrifying subject to touch on. It’s something I see break the hearts of my friends, my acquaintances, and people I don’t even know on a daily basis.

My husband and I have never had to deal with this kind of heartbreak. We THOUGHT it was going to be something we would struggle with, but it turns out it was just all in God’s timing (which, like I said, it was for the best). A few months before I became pregnant with Kyson, I got my thyroid and hormone levels tested because we were starting to think something could potentially be preventing us from having children. We weren’t “trying”, but we weren’t preventing either… for YEARS. No preventing + no baby = my mind automatically freaking out thinking I have fertility issues. All of the lab work came back completely normal… which left me confused. Then a few months later… positive pregnancy test. It was all in God’s timing.

I never fully experienced that pain of infertility. I got a glimpse of it. And that glimpse was terrifying. To see people I know actually deal with this… for weeks, months, and years at a time… it hurts me, too. It hurts to see you hurt.

When we got pregnant with Zoe (totally NOT planned, all in God’s timing though remember? lol) the feeling of surprise lead to excitement pretty quick, but then it lead to guilt. We have two very close friends who were dealing with fertility issues for a while and we wanted nothing more than for them to have a baby. We already had a baby, we didn’t need another one right now, they did. Amaris and I were both so nervous to tell them. One of the first things Amaris said after we found out about this pregnancy was “What about…?” and I knew exactly what he was thinking – because I was thinking it, too. We didn’t want to hurt them. We didn’t want to discourage them. We didn’t want them to question God on why he was giving us another baby (an unplanned one at that) when they have been planning on their baby for what seemed liked forever.

We took them out to eat, both anxiously looking at one another on when to break the news. Amaris finally just took the plunge and said it. They were so excited for us, asking questions about how I felt and how far along and all the typical things your friends ask you. But, I know deep down it hurt a little. Because you know what, it hurt me.

Fast forward a few months later and they invited us to dinner. Which was common, but Amaris and I were both praying they had their own baby news to share. And… THEY DID! God fulfilled their greatest prayer (and one of ours too)! It was a long journey to get there, but they fulfilled it.

That is an infertility story that has a happy ending, but there are still so many couples out there still writing their story. Or their story has just begun. And I want you ladies to know that as an outsider looking in – you’re so strong.

I truthfully believe you have been dealt this battle because you are strong enough to handle it. I know there are times you don’t think you are, but God knows you are. I know you are. You are given this story to share. Whether that be you share it with the world, or just your husband that is writing the story with you. It’s your story. It’s a heartbreaking story, but it’s a beautiful one.

When you share your pain and suffering, you aren’t just touching the lives of other women who share & understand this pain. You are touching us that don’t also, maybe even more. You encourage us to love a little harder. To hold our babies a little tighter. To thank God more. To be a better friend. To be calm when the baby is crying at 2:00am. To be thankful for the crying baby at 2:00am. You make us better moms.

Your story has a purpose.

To any of you struggling with infertility, have dealt with a miscarriage, a still birth, infant loss, any of those tragic things… you are strong. You are a story. A beautiful story. A story of God.

-Paige

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